NO-NOS

So I've let you in on the weak, pathetic side of myself. I "pitcher" a dumb broad in Rave clothing with an overly dyed head of hair, wearing more make-up than a department store perfume squirter. That's SO not me. And it's a side of myself that I'm not proud of.

Now let's take a gander at my more fickle side. This side would NEVER wear Rave clothing OR dye her own hair. Her make-up is tastefully done, and she gracefully walks into the cloud of her own, personally selected perfume so as not to overwhelm anyone with her scent. She's intelligent and knows what she wants. She's a classy broad. Pardon me, WOMAN. I like her. I wish she would kick "Rave-wearing-dye-job-broad's" ass! 

But they are on opposite ends of the red flag spectrum. Where "Rave-wearing-dye-job-broad" doesn't have much self-respect when it comes to men, "classy-knows-what-she-wants-woman" doesn't have much respect for men.

Here are some of the things that will get an instant "EHHH!!!! (obnoxiously loud buzzer sound)" from me. There is no re-thinking it or getting past it...the following things are just absolute no-nos for me.

No-no #1

If he wears any shiny gold jewelry, I'd rather eat my own hair than even be introduced to this guy.

No-no #2

If his accent is self-inflicted, or acquired by watching movies in his favorite genre, it's an absolute turn-off and I'd rather walk around all day with throw-up all over my clothes than associate with this dude. Yes, I'm THAT turned off by it.

No-no #3

If you're a grown man wearing youth medium shirts adorned with sparkly words that express your state of emotional intensity, you need to take a good hard look at yourself, kid. But don't be distracted by those muscles and all that bling, my friend!

No-no #4

If your voice sounds like you could be a Nickelodeon character, I can't talk to you without wondering if you live in a pineapple under the sea. Deep voice or bust, in my book.

No-no #5

A tan from anything other than a recent vacation or outdoor activity, paired with an addiction to manscaping and high-end hair products is a huge turn-off. I like 'em rough, hairy and smelling like sweat.

No-no #6

Lazy is ugly. I can IMMEDIATELY sniff out a lazy ass. It's a gift. "Couch potato" is not on my "qualities I look for in a man" list.

No-no #7

If you are so thin that I could take you down in a wrestling match, I won't even glance in your undernourished direction. Sorry, I like my men manly.

No-no #8

Conversely, if your lats are so large that you can't put your arms down and look as though you may take flight, I'm not interested. Don't be strutting my way, Mr. Peacock.

So ladies, what are some of your no-nos?