BLOOD-RED RED FLAGS

I’ll share with you some classic warning signs I’ve experienced while dating in my thirties. I am writing these down so that in the future, I will be a little less “blinded by love” and a lot more honest with myself. The next time, I won’t have to worry about being rejected by “what’s-his-nuts,” or stalked by “cry baby” or blown off by “hairy balls.” Because guys like that won’t get my digits, let alone my heart.

These are what I call “spit out my beer, grab my purse, run out the door, flailing my arms, screaming, shoes flying off my feet Red Flags.”

Blood-Red Red Flag #1.

A guy who reads your journal cannot be trusted. A guy who has been warned and continues to read your journal should be shot. This is a total deal breaker for me.

Blood-Red Red Flag #2.

A lie is a lie is a lie, ladies. There is no color wheel or size chart when it comes to lying. A little white lie is a big red flag. He gets my size 5.5 boot.

Blood-Red Red Flag #3.

My birthday matters to me. I let the guys I date know this. A loose, re-gifted gift card is not an appropriate birthday present for your girlfriend. For your garbage man! Especially when it’s from Target. Gee, thanks. Maybe I’ll go buy myself some tampons and a bottle of shampoo. And some condoms for that new guy I’m gonna fuck.

Blood-Red Red Flag #4.

If you have been dating exclusively for seven months and you realize that he “detagged” himself from the one picture that exists of the two of you, you have a shady mofo on your hands. 

Blood-Red Red Flag #5.

When a guy holds you gently after making love to you, tells you he loves you then asks, “did you ever consider getting bigger boobs,” he is an a-hole.

Blood-Red Red Flag #6.

When we are getting into it, and I ask you if you have a condom and you say no, then I’m NOT going to have sex with you. So stop pestering me and trying relentlessly to get down my pants, you disrespectful prick.

Blood-Red Red Flag #7.

If after six months I’m still a secret to someone who means something to you, I’m out.

Blood-Red Red Flag #8.

Any guy I am exclusively dating who is nearing the age of 40 should not be going to “college bars” more than one night per week. I don’t really think that is a lot to ask.

Blood-Red Red Flag #9.

At my age, “date night” should not include any of the following things:

• Bars that offer $2 pitchers of Bud Light.

• Trickery…none of this “I didn’t know all of my friends would happen to be here…at the exact same establishment…at the exact same time” stuff.

• A phone call from another girl...that I can hear b/c you accidentally hit speaker...that when she says hello, you hang up and act like something “weird” just happened with your phone.

Blood-Red Red Flag #10.

When a guy keeps his cell phone on his person at all times, and puts it on the table face down, away from you, and checks it in a way so as not to be too suspicious about looking at his phone suspiciously, he has something to hide. Secrets make me wince. That makes my face hurt. I don’t like that feeling.