GET A BOY TOY

So we are talking about dating as an adult, right. It's tough out there, ladies! And I know there are a lot of you who are in the same boat. We're all huddled together, cold and trembling, our preservers squeezing the life out of us, waiting for a man to come to our rescue. Well, I've had enough of that! I jumped ship. Yup. Flung that preserver off and launched myself overboard. I'm not waiting to be rescued! You know why? Cuz we don't need to be, we're in shallow water! I walked to shore and ordered myself a Mai Tai. 

After my divorce I was forced to live life for me. The best experience of my life, by far. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now I know how to sail through life without a Captain. Every self-help book will tell you the same thing, "you won't find The One until you learn how to live your life for you." And, I agree. But it's easy to hop back in that dingy when you're alone at sea, treading water. Sometimes we get tired and want to be rescued. I understand, I've been there. But you no longer have to tighten your bodice and lift your Edwardian gown to step into that rescue boat. You don't need a Captain, ladies. 

Get yourself a Boy Toy! One you can call anytime, day or night to "relieve the pressure" of not having a man in your life. When you feel the need to call "what's-his-nuts," don't. Call your Boy Toy. If you want to give "cry baby" another shot, stop. Text your Boy Toy. Even when you start thinking "hairy balls" isn't all that bad, you're wrong. He is. Drop by your Boy Toy's place.

Ladies, a Boy Toy is easy to find and well worth the effort you put in to finding one. I found mine after my divorce. He was bartending at my local male-bashing-girlie-time watering hole. He thought we were hilarious and after a while, we all treated him like our little pet. Our tall, tan, muscular, dark-haired, drop-dead gorgeous little pet. Then one night, after more than a few tall ones, I ended up getting to know him on a "deeper" level. I told him right away that I wasn't looking for anything serious and since he was 12 years my junior, he didn't seem to have a problem with that. Anytime I need a "why don't I have a man" self-esteem boost, he's my guy. We've developed quite an amazing friendship over the years, too. Which makes calling him drunk at 2 a.m. hilarious instead of pathetic.

I recommend you find a Boy Toy with the following qualities:

• He must understand that this is just a fling and you are free to husband-shop in between your hay-rolling sessions.

• Younger is better. Men peak at age 25, women at age 36. Enough said, ladies.

• Younger is also better because he won't want the hay-rolling to turn into a relationship.

• Younger is also better because neither will you. Trust me, one night out with his friends and you'll see why.

• Younger is also better because he won't know anyone that you know!

• I also recommend that you be insanely attracted to him, and that he be a hay-rolling pro.

BUT! There are two rules you must abide by when dealing with your Boy Toy:

• Don't fall in love with him. Save that for the next Captain of your ship.

• Use protection. You don't want his dirty buoy rubbing against your hull, now do you?

Ahoy, ladies!