FISH GUTS ARE FOR STRAY CATS

For all of my friends who are thinking about setting me up with a guy, let me first say that single is not the only qualification I require in a man. Remember, girls, I'm going to have to spend an entire evening sitting across from this guy. I'm going to have to hear his life story. Watch him eat. He's going to possibly try to kiss me at the end of the date. So, ask yourself this, "If I weren't happily married to my hot, bringin-home-the-bacon husband, would I myself want this guy's lips close to my face?" Right. 

Just because I'm 37 and single does not mean I should have to settle. I'm not some stray cat, scrounging around for fish bones after you and every other married chick snatched up all the fresh catches. I know you know this, but you need to keep it in the forefront when you get the urge to hook me up with your overly religious cousin. Or your ball-scratching colleague. Or that fence guy who drove the "he thinks it's cool, I think it's gay" Camaro. (At least we got a good belly laugh out of that one!)

I know you are looking out for me, want what's best for me, blah blah blah. But please just think about the following things before setting me up, k? 

Again, we're a lot alike, right gals? If you don't want his ass in your bed, why would you think I would want it in mine? I'm not saying I'm going to sleep with him on the first date, but eventually sex will have to play a part. So, if you're not attracted to him, chances are I won't be either.

You cannot be biased when choosing my potential mate. I know he's your relative, and you think he's adorable. But he's not a stuffed animal. He's a man. And I'm going to fuck him eventually. 

Do not under any circumstance let your husband or boyfriend convince you that his friend is perfect for me without you scoping him out first. I want you to physically look at him, listen to him speak and formulate your own opinion before you go bringing him along unexpectedly. Men have different ideas about partnerships, gals, we all know that.

Don't ever hook me up with someone because he is "nice." Please.

As tempting as it is, I can't date someone who is in his early or mid-twenties. My five+ year plan involves marriage and children. If we're lucky he has a plan. And most likely it includes nothing more than tall ones and tail. But feel free to put him on my Boy Toy list! Even though I already have one, I can pass him along to one of my cronies.

And a guy in his late forties isn't going to want to chase toddlers in his mid fifties. And I don't want my future children taking cues from him, thinking it's ok to stand in front of the refrigerator rubbing their bellies.

So, chicas, now that you have some guidelines to follow, go find me a man! ;)

PS, I love yoooooou.