HELLO, MY NAME IS

I think everyone falls into a category of some sort. Every one of us is a particular type of human being. Whether you are an activist, a comedian, a drunk, a social butterfly, or a lying-cheating-asshole, one main characteristic will stand out in each of us. But pinpointing another person's type can be difficult at first. Even though a person may be "nice," that person may also be a "backstabber." And this is where dating gets difficult. 

For example, if someone is labeled a "catch," that could simply mean that he/she has a good job and calls his/her mom every other day. That person could also be a "gold-digger" or a "cheap-ass," who knows! 

So I'd like to propose a labeling system for dating. I think it would help tremendously in our every day dealings with each other! You wouldn't have to waste anymore time trying to figure people out. It would be right there in front of you. 

Here's how it would work: If you were directly affected by another human being in some way, shape or form, you can slap a sticker on their back, pointing out the type of person he/she is in your eyes. But since we can't just go around slapping stickers on each other all day, three people would have to vouch for you. They must sign a waiver stating, "Yes, I agree that this correctly describes said person, from the perspective of (insert your name here), who will be slapping this label on said person." Your name will appear on the sticker, so everyone will know that the information being put out there came from a reputable source...or not!

Oh man, wouldn't that be awesome!? I'd love to slap a "full of shit" sticker on "what's-his-nuts!" That's right, ladies at the bar, he is so full of it you can smell him walking in! So when he starts his puppy-dog-eye/you're-so-easy-to-talk-to baloney, you'll see that sticker and think twice about buying what he's selling. I'd also love to hit up an old friend of mine with a "do not leave your boyfriend unattended" sticker. And when I do I would like to wear one myself that reads, "I'm not a fool, you know." 

But not everyone's stickers will be accurate. I bet there are a few people out there who would stick some things on me that I wouldn't necessarily agree with. I bet "cry baby" would put a "devil's spawn" label on me. Good luck finding people to sign your waiver...and don't go smearing the ink with one of your inappropriate sob sessions. Rest assured I'd get a "she wants too much from me" sticker from more than one of my former flings. There are probably a couple clams out there who would want the competition to know that I'm "not as cool as she thinks she is." And of course we'd all get the typical, "crazy" labels from our exes and/or their friends, right ladies? As I said before, they all think we've got some form of mental illness.

But some labels would be hard to ignore. If someone's got a "gave his ex the clap" sticker on, then that's all there is to it. No reasoning your way out of that one. And if someone's sporting a "swings both ways" sticker, you know that one person knows this to be true, and three other people signed off on it. Or if you see a "ran off with my cousin" label, well, that just speaks for itself. So depending on how specific the label is, you can make assumptions based on another person's (and three of their associates') opinion. We would just have to use our noodles when trying to decode these labels, ladies. 

I guess this would be the same thing as taking advice. It's a labeling system of sorts. You meet this new guy, he's sweet and funny and you develop an instant crush. You get excited and then a co-worker tells you he's a total pig. So you think about it, but her label doesn't hold water with you since you're only work pals. Then a bestie tells you she knows him. He used to hook up with some skinny broad she knows, until he dumped her for some skinnier broad. That voucher has been signed by your bestie...that carries a lot of weight. 

So I guess my labeling system already exists. The information about the people you date is out there. You need to look at the number of labels on this person of interest. Are they mostly good or mostly bad labels? Who slapped the stickers on in the first place? Are they from reliable sources? The labels are there for the taking, gals. Use them wisely.