QUANTITY...NOT QUALITY

I've been thinking, ladies...I'm starting to believe that living in the same town for 37 years, minus my 4-year college stint, is preventing me from finding a decent guy. This town is small, more in attitude than in size, really (you know what I mean…it’s the kind of town where everyone knows immediately if you've been dumped, or have just taken a dump, for that matter), but small none-the-less. Thinking back on the men I have dated, would I have given them a shot at love had there been better prospects in the picture, and/or more of them?

Let's say I had 5 prospects to choose from: "Captain," a guy who constantly sports polo shirts, plaid shorts and boat shoes; "mountain man," the healthy, granola-eating guy you see wearing socks and hiking boots in mid-July; "winer and diner," the well-dressed guy who sends back his food and has money falling out of his suit pockets when he walks; "intramural man," the one who plays every sport known to man and is rarely seen without a baseball cap; and finally, a "what's-his-nuts."

Each of these guys would have a one in five chance at scoring a date with me. Now instead of having the cat in the bag, they would have to put more effort into winning me over. And I would be four-fifths less focused on any one of them at any given time. Can you see where I'm going with this?

So, Monday, "captain" (which I would pronounce, "cap'm") could take me to his boat club for a sunset drink or three. Boat people like their cocktails. I would listen to his sailing stories and pretend to be interested since he is so easy on the eyes. We'd have a nice time and I'd agree to another date.

On Tuesday, "mountain man," who lit a fire in my panties the first time I laid eyes on his tight, tanned bod, could take me kayaking on the bay. We'd laugh and paddle along, checking out the scenery and I'd lag behind to check out his deltoids. He'd wink at me, and I'd be impressed by his knowledge of the native plant life. I'd be totally into him...enough to ask him for a second date.

"Winer and diner" would pick me up for a fancy dinner on Wednesday. I'd be excited about a little chivalry and lobster. But as he droned on about his trust fund and $300 shoes, I'd be nodding politely while picturing "mountain man" and "capt'm" in a canoe race. "Capt'm" definitely has the boating experience but he's no match for "mountain man's" well-developed lats. "W&D" would sense my distance and never call again. Plus, I’d probably swear too much for his taste.

Thursday I'd get a call from "mountain man" saying he thought it would be a perfect night for a hike with a special lady. I'd have to call "intramural man" and tell him that I've developed a horrible headache and my cat just started throwing up hairballs, so I'd have to reschedule (via voicemail, of course, since he'd be at his softball game). I'd have a super time with "mountain man," who I would soon come to find is not only attractive, tight-abbed and vegetatively knowledgeable, but also reeeeally funny. 

Friday I'd call "intramural man" to see if he'd like to meet me for happy hour drinks. He'd probably pound aluminum bottles of Bud Light, which he'd purchased from the bartender wearing a half-shirt, standing in front of a tub of beer. No doubt I'd be put off by his lack of depth. Then a cutesy text from "mountain man" would pop up on my phone, sending me off into lat-land once again. But "intramural man" would barely notice since he’d be too busy making googley eyes at the half-shirted beer girl.

Saturday I'd take a break from men to hang out with my girls. Here, I'd run into "what's-his-nuts" and hear the same song he'd been singing to me for the past three months, "we should go out, I'll call you!" And I would have deleted him from my phone right then and there. 

You get the idea. The more (men), the merrier (I'd be). It would be a win-win situation. We all know guys love a challenge, so I’d only increase my odds of one or more of them being interested in me by increasing the number of prospects I'd have in the game. While at the same time, having all these options to keep me busy, I’d decrease my chances of falling for a “what’s-his-nuts” out of sheer boredom or loneliness.

So I think I may need to up the ante. Increase my odds. Play with a fresh deck.

Stay tuned…

SHARE THE WEALTH

So I have a question for you, ladies....where are you finding these guys!?


I have seen a slew of good-looking, sweet, intelligent, funny men lately and they are all attached. So I would like to know if I'm missing something because the only men I seem to find are throw-backs. Is there some secret society you all belong to? Do I need to perform some sort of freaky ritual to get inducted? I'll do whatever it takes. Eye of newt? No problem. I know this crazy old farmer lady who lives on the outskirts. She can get me any body part off of any mammal I want. If I need to complete some sort of endurance test, I can do that too. I'm small but you'd be amazed at the feats my little body can perform. I can write an essay, pass a test, say some Hail Mary's, just please, gals, let me in on this.


I cannot figure out where you are finding these gems. There are gold mines out there, and some of you know where there are. You got your nugget, now let the rest of us have a go at it. Please, I beg of you, tell me where I can find one of these rare hunks of man. My Garmin and I will be waiting.

A CHAMPION MAKES HER OWN EGGS

"Never a good egg? Are you just this unlucky or do seek out these bad eggs?"
-Anonymous

GREAT POINT, anonymous. I'm so glad you posted. Well, let's address this question in parts.

First off, yes, I was that girl who sought out the bad eggs. I did it without even knowing I was doing it. See my post, "This is just a test" about loving bad boys. This is why the blog exists. I'm learning to watch for red flags, listen to my gut, never trust a playa, etc.

Secondly, yes, I have had some good boyfriends. Let's talk about them. I'll tell you why I threw out these perfectly good eggs.

I had a great guy a long time ago. I've mentioned him a few times, "Good Ole Honky Tonk Boy." He was so good to me. He was the whole package...gorgeous, hard-working, generous, doting, loving, fun and I was head over heels for him. Then he went through a rough patch. Life does that sometimes. He asked me to give him some space to tend to his issues, so instead I clung to him like a velcro monkey on crack. He got spooked so he made a run for it and I don't blame him. It's safe to say I don't do that anymore. Lesson learned: people have their own lives which do not and should not revolve around me.

Another good egg was a younger fella I dated a year or two ago. We'll call him "The Egglet." He was a sweetheart. He would have lopped off his arm, marinated it, and grilled it for dinner if I asked him to. Then he would have done the dishes. But he caught me after a dry spell. My expectations were a bit over the top. I hadn't dated anyone in two years and I forgot that men weren't women with penises, or mind readers. Does every man say that, by the way? "I'm not a mind reader!" Anyway...So "The Egglet" made a few mistakes, as men do, and I pulled the rug out from under him. I made him feel like he had just come back from a baby-seal-slaughtering expedition...laughing. I still feel bad about that. I didn't want to admit that we just weren't right for each other, so instead I played the blame game and made an innocent guy feel terrible about himself. More lessons learned: No one is perfect, honesty is always the best policy, and karma is a bitch (see my posts regarding "what's-his-nuts").

When I was with the good eggs, I was pre-red-flag-acknowledgement, ladies. I had a lot to learn about dating. I had a lot to learn about myself. And I definitely learned my lessons. All of the eggs, good or bad, have taught me something about life and love. So it is because of them that I now seek out that one Golden Egg. And that is what it's all about, isn't it?  "Finding yourself" as they say? So, after all the eggs I've had in the past decade or so, I'm ready to grab just one last egg and give the rest up for good. I'm sick of eggs!

THE LABEL GAME

So I want to get some feedback from you gals. Tell me what some of your labels would read. I'll pull some of my favorites and post them in my next entry. Come on, ladies, dazzle me!

HELLO, MY NAME IS

I think everyone falls into a category of some sort. Every one of us is a particular type of human being. Whether you are an activist, a comedian, a drunk, a social butterfly, or a lying-cheating-asshole, one main characteristic will stand out in each of us. But pinpointing another person's type can be difficult at first. Even though a person may be "nice," that person may also be a "backstabber." And this is where dating gets difficult. 

For example, if someone is labeled a "catch," that could simply mean that he/she has a good job and calls his/her mom every other day. That person could also be a "gold-digger" or a "cheap-ass," who knows! 

So I'd like to propose a labeling system for dating. I think it would help tremendously in our every day dealings with each other! You wouldn't have to waste anymore time trying to figure people out. It would be right there in front of you. 

Here's how it would work: If you were directly affected by another human being in some way, shape or form, you can slap a sticker on their back, pointing out the type of person he/she is in your eyes. But since we can't just go around slapping stickers on each other all day, three people would have to vouch for you. They must sign a waiver stating, "Yes, I agree that this correctly describes said person, from the perspective of (insert your name here), who will be slapping this label on said person." Your name will appear on the sticker, so everyone will know that the information being put out there came from a reputable source...or not!

Oh man, wouldn't that be awesome!? I'd love to slap a "full of shit" sticker on "what's-his-nuts!" That's right, ladies at the bar, he is so full of it you can smell him walking in! So when he starts his puppy-dog-eye/you're-so-easy-to-talk-to baloney, you'll see that sticker and think twice about buying what he's selling. I'd also love to hit up an old friend of mine with a "do not leave your boyfriend unattended" sticker. And when I do I would like to wear one myself that reads, "I'm not a fool, you know." 

But not everyone's stickers will be accurate. I bet there are a few people out there who would stick some things on me that I wouldn't necessarily agree with. I bet "cry baby" would put a "devil's spawn" label on me. Good luck finding people to sign your waiver...and don't go smearing the ink with one of your inappropriate sob sessions. Rest assured I'd get a "she wants too much from me" sticker from more than one of my former flings. There are probably a couple clams out there who would want the competition to know that I'm "not as cool as she thinks she is." And of course we'd all get the typical, "crazy" labels from our exes and/or their friends, right ladies? As I said before, they all think we've got some form of mental illness.

But some labels would be hard to ignore. If someone's got a "gave his ex the clap" sticker on, then that's all there is to it. No reasoning your way out of that one. And if someone's sporting a "swings both ways" sticker, you know that one person knows this to be true, and three other people signed off on it. Or if you see a "ran off with my cousin" label, well, that just speaks for itself. So depending on how specific the label is, you can make assumptions based on another person's (and three of their associates') opinion. We would just have to use our noodles when trying to decode these labels, ladies. 

I guess this would be the same thing as taking advice. It's a labeling system of sorts. You meet this new guy, he's sweet and funny and you develop an instant crush. You get excited and then a co-worker tells you he's a total pig. So you think about it, but her label doesn't hold water with you since you're only work pals. Then a bestie tells you she knows him. He used to hook up with some skinny broad she knows, until he dumped her for some skinnier broad. That voucher has been signed by your bestie...that carries a lot of weight. 

So I guess my labeling system already exists. The information about the people you date is out there. You need to look at the number of labels on this person of interest. Are they mostly good or mostly bad labels? Who slapped the stickers on in the first place? Are they from reliable sources? The labels are there for the taking, gals. Use them wisely.