WELL, SHUT MY MOUTH!

So I know I've been quiet lately. That is only because my love life is so pathetic that I don't even have BAD dating experiences to write about! Not a lot of eligible bachelors out there. I'd say for every single normal guy there are 20 single normal gals chasing after him. For a woman, dating in Erie can be compared to a pee-wee soccer game. Every kid focused on that one ball, pushing and shoving each other to get at it, not worried about strategy. So ladies, if you can find me a date with a cute, smart, funny guy who isn't married, I'll take you up on it! Then maybe, just maybe, I'll have something to write about. But let's hope that instead, I'll have something to write home about.

ANY PORT IN A STORM

"In times of danger, any shelter is better than none. In an emergency, we have to accept whatever solution presents itself (for the time being)."


Ok this makes sense when you're on a ship. But when you are out there dating, it is not a good idiom to follow. There are two kinds of storm-porting I would like to address. 


The first being the most common: Using someone to fulfill a sexual need. We all know that people use other people for sex, no need to rehash that subject. 


The second type is emotional. Using someone to fill an emotional emptiness. People need people. And when you are going through a life storm, or a funk, or a job change, or boredom, etc., you want someone to be there for you. When you are sailing through life solo, you have no one to go home to. No one to call after work. No one to cushion the blows. No one to help you see the lighter side of a situation. No one to share a life with, no one to make you feel wanted and/or needed. Trust me, it sucks when you laugh at something funny on tv and realize that you're talking to yourself. Loneliness alone can force people to head for a port, any port! 


I've been the port. And I've been the ship. Neither produced a husband. 


When you're feeling lonely, it is so easy to just give in and hang out with/date/have some fun with/screw that person who makes himself available to you. And when you're desperate to find love it's just as easy to hang out with/date/have some fun with/screw that person who habitually makes himself unavailable. But it's wrong. If he is not the one, you know it. Deep down you know it.


And if you're the ship, most likely you're stringing along that "nice" guy because you didn't want to show up to your work party alone again this year. He's that guy with the good job, great family, who treats you like a queen, but when people ask you, "Ooooooh so how's it going with Mr. Good On Paper," you shrug your shoulders and say, "It's good," bothered that this Noserella interrupted your daily horoscope reading. And you're probably planning on dumping him right after the work thingy. But then there's the holidays and who the fuck wants to go that alone!? So maybe after the New Year. Who knows, right? We'll just see what happens. Bad girl! This "port" has feelings. You're going to hurt him...badly. He's picking out your diamond and thinks the 311 remake of "Love Song" would be perfect for your first dance. It's not right. End it. Let him go find a girl who also thinks that song is perfect and burns him a cd of it for Sweetest Day. You can call your mom after work.


If you're the port, you're probably waiting by the phone for him to call you as we speak. While checking your email and creeping his facebook page. He probably keeps you guessing, and you make excuses for it, telling people you like the chase. We're on to you, sister! You hate that he breaks plans and leaves you to attend functions alone and has you buying a killer outfit you can't afford for the next "date" he may or may not take you on. He's the ship. And you know he's got a storm brewing in his life right now. Whatever it is...family, money, health, boredom...you know he's on choppy water. But you think if you let him dock there with you, he'll eventually want to winterize that shit and stay forever. Not a chance. The second that storm clears, he's out and you know it. So do the right thing. Send him off and wish him luck. Keep the dock open for that perfect ship.


So ladies...are you a port? Are you a ship? Have you been either in the past? Or are you the storm!? Give it to me!

GIRL CODE, PART DUH!

Let me first say that I am not in the business of hurting people's feelings. That has never been the purpose of this blog. But I am also not in the business of keeping quiet when people hurt mine. 

So! That said, I think "Girl Code" has become unnecessarily complicated. With all the rules and degrees of friendships, no one would ever be able to keep track. "Well she dated him in high school so it doesn't count...she's a friend of a friend so it shouldn't matter...she has a man, so she shouldn't care...I babysat for her three times so she owes me." 

Girls, it's so simple. Girl Code is knowing the difference between right and wrong, and choosing right. If you find yourself in a predicament involving a man and another woman, you need to ask yourself one thing. If I do this, will it hurt her feelings? If you even have to hesitate or debate the reasons why it shouldn't hurt her feelings then the answer is an automatic yes. If you answer yes then you need to ask yourself one more question. Is it worth it?

We become so focused on landing a man that we sometimes lose sight of who really matters in our lives. That guy you're going to fuck is probably going to be out of your life as soon as the drama from the situation dissipates. That chick you screwed over could have been a source of love and friendship for the duration. 

But we've all been there. No one is perfect. And I know that at our age, we are going to step on some toes trying to find our perfect guy. But when in doubt, ladies, just ask. You owe her that.

"GIRL CODE"

I'm going to change it up a bit, ladies. I'd like to hear your take on this subject before I give you my humble opinion. Do you wear your "I Live by the Unwritten Rules of Girl Code" t-shirt proudly? Have you had a friend rip it off and wipe her ass with it? Or are you googling the term as we speak because you've never even heard of it before today? I want to hear your stories and feedback. Have at it!

I'M "RANDY," WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

OK girls, enough of my whining. Let's have a little fun, shall we?! 

Believe it or not, I love guys. I love looking at them, listening to them, touching them, smelling them, pressing up against them, handcuffing them to my...whoa. Never mind. Anyway! Seriously, I happen to be a tad boy crazy and every one of my friends can attest to this. So let me share with you some things that make me lose my cool around a guy. Things that might make me abandon my morals. Here are some things that make me weak-kneed, hard-nippled, have to cross my legs and hold onto my seat so I don't fly across the room and rip that boy's clothes off, turned on.

#1. Curly hair. Oh God.

#2. An "I'm not trying to impress anyone" t-shirt. Preferably one that he got back in the day, that's still cool but a little worn...that ever so slightly hugs his upper back and arms.

#3. A really good fitting pair of jeans. No splitting the butter, fellas! I don't need to see what yer momma gave ya that clearly! Leave something to be desired!

#4. Manly hands. You know what they say, ladies!

#5. Dark socks, work boots and khaki shorts on a pair of tan muscular legs. I heart landscapers for this reason.

#6. Baseball caps. The t-shirt rule applies here. And if there are a few curly cues peeking out, all the better!

#7. Dirt + sweat. Sweat alone doesn't do it for me. It's the "I've been working hard all day dirty sweat" that kills me!

#8. A hearty laugh. That's a deal-sealer for me. If he has one of the qualities listed above PLUS a great laugh, I might as well run out the door, put on my birthday suit and strap myself to his bed. "Go ahead, finish your dinner, I'll wait."

#9. Broken noses. I know, I know...it's weird! But there's something about it that gets me. I just can't explain it.

#10. The stare. When a guy knows how to give that stare, I'm mush. And you know what I'm talking about, girls. It's definitely sexy but not over the top or creepy. It's confident but not cocky. It's an "I like who you are as a person, but right now I just want to ravage your bod" sort of look. It's not the look they give you after a few too many. That's different. It's the look they give you after you tell them that your favorite band is the Beastie Boys. When I get that look I'm donezo.

I could go on and on, ladies. So why don't I let you have the floor. Tell me the things that make you have to move "laundering your lingerie” to the top of your to-do list. I'll be waiting!

RESPECT IS LIKE A BRA

...if a girl isn't wearing it, boys will notice and act accordingly.

In my last post, I spoke of the antics of one Girls Gone Wild film star, remember? If not, read "Carnie is as Carnie does," because now I'm going to explain to you how her antics are affecting my dating life.

Let's talk about the girl on the pole, taking off her clothes, letting all the boys touch her mushy parts. If she and girls like her allow boys to treat them like pieces of meat, boys will. Because it's easier than getting a girl the old-fashioned way. Why would a man pay all that money for dates and flowers? And spend all that time talking on the phone? Or opening car doors? Or sucking up to her friends? When there are girls out there who will skip all of that and get right down to "bidness." It's a direct means to an end. Because let's face it, what a guy really wants at the end of the day is someone to stroke his ego and his penis. Why would he work for it when it comes free with a $2 cover charge? Ladies, the guys out there are becoming accustomed to this behavior and chivalry is dying a slow, painful death. 

It's the difference between a lion in the zoo and one in the wild. The zoo lions have it easy. They don't have to work for their food, it's thrown at them. They get lazy. A big cat in the wild gets to hunt his prey, work for it, feel accomplished when he catches it, pleased to be the male lion taking care of his pride.

Let me give you an example: I met a guy recently. Cute, funny, smart...quite a package. We had a lot in common and really hit it off. But it quickly fizzled out. Why? Because I was just too much work for him. He was used to the free meat. I wasn't the only one who thought he was a catch. There were plenty of chickies who set their sights on him. I chose to go the old-fashioned route. They squeezed themselves into tube dresses, threw on a few glow bracelets, got wasted, and let "the catch" have his way with them. 

We are all drinking from the same watering hole, ladies! This "getting the meat for free" phenomenon is tainting the men and it's affecting the dating life of every single woman out there. When I expect a guy to call me when he says he will, or take me out on a respectable date, or not taste "my meat" until I know the relationship is going somewhere, he thinks I'm high-maintenance. When it's really just a little thing called self-respect. 

We have to stop throwing the meat at them, girls. We need to make them work for it. Men are hunters, they like a chase. If you want a guy for the long haul, you need to make him stalk you and run you down. If you lay down and let him have you, he's just gonna eat and run.

I'd like to add a disclaimer. Dating is one thing. If you are both in it for the sex alone, discuss it up front and are both ok with it, then I'm all for that, periodically. 

Anyway! Happy hunting, gals.

CARNIE IS AS CARNIE DOES

What the HELL is going on out there, people!?

OK, I was at a little place called GOTL this past weekend. People in my area will know what I'm talking about. I'm being discreet because I don't want to upset the locals. Well, I don't want them coming after me, actually, but that's neither here nor there. My friends and I set up tents at a quaint little campground, rode around in golf carts, laughed, drank beers out of cans wrapped in NASCAR koozies and ate pizza off a picnic table. It was a blast! So what started off as a fun mini-camping trip with friends, would soon turn into a scene from the porno version of Deliverance. 

After nightfall, we decided to go into "town" to see how the GOTL peeps do it. Let's just say that GOTLs are a different breed. At one point I wondered if I was super drunk, or if these people were really THAT ODD. For example, we were approached by a man wearing velcro sneakers that were probably white back in the 80s, and a Hawaiian shirt which was left open to flap in the breeze of his overzealous fast-walk. As he trolled alongside us, closely, his arms flailing wildly, he warned us to be cautious of all the men walking around "downtown GOTL," other than himself of course, because they were only after one thing. He tried convincing us that he was one of the good guys who finished last, got the short end of the stick, etc. We were almost convinced that he was just a harmless guy who probably didn't know how to button his shirt because he took the short bus into town, until he asked us where we were staying, how we were getting back there, and if we were staying there alone. We tried ditching this dude with the, "Hey let's check out this little tchotchke shop (while YOU keep walking, crazy man)" technique, but he stuck with us. So finally, we had to tell our little "Polynesian" Reebok-wearing friend to hit the road. 

We continued on down the street of dreams, when my friend and I spotted a "Girls Gone Wild" bus parked outside one of the more popular establishments. So we giggled and decided to check it out. GGW cameramen were roaming around, shining their lights on those who were willing to give them a show. At first we laughed it off, until we looked over and saw a girl who was grinding on a pole and taking off her clothes while a pack of men surrounded her with whiskey on their breath and intent in their eyes. Men flocked like jackals to a carcass. The wall of boys got so thick and fierce that the only thing that could have saved her at that point would have been the fire department. The more she danced, the more aggressive they became, until one was pressed up against her, another was playing with her fun bags, and yet another was pawing at her skirt. And all the while, she had her hands on any and every male body part that was within grabbing/stroking distance. Had I not been completely terrified, and protective of my own reproductive parts, I would have snatched the whistle off the barely-covered bartender's chest, broke up the action and thrown a flag on that play! Instead we set down our beers and got the hell out of there! But not before dodging a tsunami of scrappers and bitch-slappers.

GIRLS! Seriously? At what point did you lose your self-respect? What happened to going out for a little fun and flirting? Now you let boys give you breast exams and Pap smears at the bar? 

And BOYS! Really!? When did you become all scary and predatory? And who said it was normal to hunt women in packs? Is this how your mother raised you?

I'm at a loss here. I hope and pray that these kinds of things only happen in small carnie towns known for their funnel cakes and meth labs. Or is there some sort of twisted cultural shift taking place in our society? If that's the case then I'm moving to Canada. Seriously, I have a real problem with this kind of behavior. These antics have a trickle-down effect on my dating life (which I'll explain in my next blog post)! I want your feedback...