BETTY CROCKER KNEW HER SHIT

Hey there, ladies...It's been a while! I've been busy enjoying life. Filling my days with work, volunteering, wining, dining, friends, friends' kids, and the like. I've honestly never felt more comfortable in my own skin. And I've never been this content. This, ladies is when the guys come a callin', am I right?


Now instead of assholes, liars and unemployed ex-girlfriend cohabiters, I am dating intelligent, hot guys with morals and jobs. It's great fun, I don't have to tell you that.


But I'm noticing, now that I have my ducks in a row, guys want to grab onto my line of ducks and marry it. Yesterday. Are you finding this, ladies? Once we are over our heart ache and bitterness, and become content with single-hood, guys want to move from date number one to "this is my girlfriend, (insert your name here)." I'm living proof of the "once you stop looking..." phenomenon. That's wonderful news for us, right ladies? Well, no. I know a lot of you will agree with me when I say I am looking for a happy medium. Personally, after all the bad-egg drama, I am now a firm believer in "getting to know someone" before giving them my heart. I'm not much into jumping with my eyes closed. The only thing that gets you is broken body parts.


In my opinion, the getting-to-know-someone is the best part of the relationship! It's an exploration of a person's depth. I love exploring. And I think it's the only path to true love. A cake that you make from scratch, from an old family recipe, fresh out of the oven, tastes much better than one you'd buy at Giant Eagle with the horrible frosting-flowers in colors that rarely go well together, made by some kid who's home from college trying to earn some drinking money. If you don't know all the ingredients that went into making your delicious treat, then you can't fully enjoy it. "Cardamom? Really? Wow, that's impressive. Yes, now I can taste it. It's what gives my little treat such warmth and depth."


For me, it's not just the end result, it's the process. The careful measuring, the slow mixing with a wooden spoon, the right amount of cooling time before frosting. That's what makes it good.


Some guys wants to skip right over all the work, grab a fork and dig right in. What fun is that??? 


I want someone to get to know me. My ins and outs. I want a guy to want to learn all about me, to figure out what ingredient made me a little spicy and why I'm not as light and fluffy as I should be. And I want to know all of his ingredients, too. I don't just want to be frosted and eaten. Side note: Please don't think I just referenced a cheesy Matthew McConaughey movie. I hate Matthew McConaughey movies. Although I'd eat the shit out of that cake. Anyway. 


Do you ladies agree with me? Are you also Betty-Crockering your way to love? Or are you happy to eat that day-old, dollar-off, display-case cake?

SAVE THE DRAMA FOR YOUR MAMA

Here's one for the single boys. A math lesson.

Let’s say I meet a boy. We’ll call him Boy A. And I’ll refer to myself as Girl A.

Boy A and Girl A chat on the phone for about an hour. Thirty minutes into the chat, Girl A hears something that sends up a red flag. We’ll call that X.

X = No steady job.

Then after a few more minutes, Boy A says something that is an absolute deal breaker for Girl A. We’ll call this Y.

Y = Lives with an ex-girlfriend.

So Boy A and Girl A end the conversation. Let’s say Boy A takes a stab at asking Girl A out via text the next day. And let’s say Girl A tells him politely that the factors stated in the phone chat were things that were not going to work for her. So Boy A and Girl A decide to be friends.

X + Y = Just friends.

Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

Boy A decides to make the problem a bit more complicated. He adds an unnecessary variable to the equation by informing Girl A of a crazy lady who seems to have misread his signals. We’ll call her Girl B. Girl B, he says, emails, texts and calls him relentlessly. Girl B is possessive and jealous, he says. Boy A states that Girl B was informed of Girl A and isn’t very happy about it.

Boy A + Girl B = Drama.

OK, now it’s time for a Pop Quiz!

If X + Y = Just friends, then (X + Y) x (Boy A + Girl B) = Landing a date with Girl A. True or False?

Well if you're like Boy A you’d pick True. And you’d get an "F." I’d encourage you to read my post, “Polishing Turds.” Then I’d steer you away from using the “poor me” tactic or the “I’m single because I only attract crazy ladies” routine to get girls. 

But if you're a single gal like myself, you most likely picked False. Because you've probably been there and are just as sick of it as I am. You get a gold star.

Save the drama for your mama, boys!

PEARL NECKLACES AND GENDER DIFFERENCES

So, now that Valentine's Day is over, I want to hear what your man did to piss off yesterday. 


Negative much? Yes. But it is what it is. Guys don't get it and they never will. I don't blame them. Valentine's Day is a bunch of baloney. But it's on the calendar, boys. Sorry, nothing we can do about it now! 


I know a lot of you had a wonderful, romance- and sex-filled holiday, but for the rest of you, give it to me, spill the beans! I want to hear about the Russell Stover box of "chocolates" he got you. Or the  teddy bear he grabbed on his trip to CVS to stock up on condoms and cigarettes. Or the "One Free Blow Job" construction paper coupon he made you.


Let's hear it, gals. I know there are some great stories out there! Don't be embarrassed! We've all been there. And it doesn't make him a bad guy. It just makes him a guy. I know you were disappointed but don't hold it against him. Use this blog to vent. We can all laugh about it then move on. He'll make up for it at Easter.

VENUS AND MARS SHOULD HAVE USED A CONDOM

So it's Valentine's Day! Even though I am single, I try not to be one of those anti-Valentines. I love watching my co-workers' husbands send them roses. I love seeing all the lovey-dovey facebook posts between couples. I favor sappy music on this day. I even wore red.

I know that fighting off the urge to wear black and mulch your co-worker’s roses in the blender can be tough for some of us on Valentine’s Day. But I really try to focus on the positive. It gives me a good feeling inside to know that all around me, there is love. 

And then the inevitable happens. That chunky little flying cherub finishes making his rounds spreading the love, and decides to pay me a visit.

"Hi, Jen. It's been a while. How have you been?"

I tell him I've been well, keeping busy, focusing on myself, blah blah blah.

Since Cupid's business is selling love, he's not buying it. And he sharply reminds me that no one is sending me flowers or cutesy-putesy emails today. That I won't be going home to open arms and a candlelit house. I'm going home to a smelly Beagle, a whiney cat and a lot of freelance work. He points out that I don't quite fill out my red sweater and my dress pants give me diaper butt.

"I know, cupid. But I've been putting myself out there. I’ve been trying, really, I have."

He slaps me with his bow, "You're not trying hard enough! What's with the hair? And you could have at least worn a little mascara today."

That’s when the switch flips. I grab the arrow out of his grubby mitts and stick it into the meaty part of his fat little ass.

"Go away, you wicked little imp. Everyone knows you're full of shit anyway."

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

WELL, SHUT MY MOUTH!

So I know I've been quiet lately. That is only because my love life is so pathetic that I don't even have BAD dating experiences to write about! Not a lot of eligible bachelors out there. I'd say for every single normal guy there are 20 single normal gals chasing after him. For a woman, dating in Erie can be compared to a pee-wee soccer game. Every kid focused on that one ball, pushing and shoving each other to get at it, not worried about strategy. So ladies, if you can find me a date with a cute, smart, funny guy who isn't married, I'll take you up on it! Then maybe, just maybe, I'll have something to write about. But let's hope that instead, I'll have something to write home about.